Carson on democracy
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 91 13:10:59 PDT
Subject: Carson on democracy
Forwarded-by: Daniel.Steinberg@eng.sun.com (Daniel Steinberg)
From: "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday, Sept. 11, 1991.
(C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.
A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics seeking freedom
("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing softly in the background).
"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the
fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means
anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can
be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all
races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to
worship -- 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't
have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism,
democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it
means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting
adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting
adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands,
and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower.
It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can
die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa,
Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials
bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts
of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and
fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they
deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at
your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up
at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not
good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted
by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've
just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to
bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with
13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13
stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this
country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad
luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you.
© 1991 Peter Langston