Important election information
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 92 17:21:33 PST
Subject: Important election information
From: dss@Eng.Sun.COM (Daniel Steinberg)
For those of you who have let your franchise get all flabby by not
exercising it--i.e., for those of you who haven't voted-- I would like
to use this alias to strongly suggest that you cast a vote on the
following two initiatives. I have included a brief summary of each
initiative, as well as an excerpt from the pro and con arguments.
This election is a crucial one, in which the future of the nation may
change drastically--either into an accelerating spiral of hopelessness,
decay, and penury, or into a cul-de-sac of listlessness and ennui that
ends with a tour of a potato-chip packing plant near DeKalb, Illinois.
The choice is yours.
State Proposition 294 "Big Pink"
This initiative has several main points:
o enters California into an economic union with the island
of Tristan de Cunha in the southern Atlantic ocean, with
an eventual complete elimination of subsidies for wheat-germ
and hosiery products containing more than 50% zinc
o declares California to be a "constitutional oleogarchy,"
with final decision-making powers resting with the Kern
County Teenage Miss Dairy Belle
o replaces all current legislators with lungfish
o allows the Governor to declare a State of Emergency
during 'Hogan's Heroes'
From the arguments in FAVOR or Proposition 294:
"Stop the Massive Land Grab! This measure will simultaneously
lower your taxes while shampooing your dog. California's
infrastructure--its roads and bridges and nail salons--are in a
desperate state of disrepair. Unless we agree to fund their
reconstruction, millions of lives could be lost if a bizarre
new strain of bacillus resistant to drugs and treatment
suddenly appears and is highly contagious.
Vote for the future. Or the past. Vote YES on 294."
From the arguments OPPOSED to Proposition 294:
"DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE 'BIG SCAM'!
"WHEN WILL THE PROPONENTS OF 294 LEARN HOW TO USE THE 'CAPS
"This measure looks good on paper. But what the pro-294 forces
don't tell you is that this measure will not only increase your
taxes, but will insert small pillbugs into the bottom of your
sheets. DON'T BE FOOLED. VOTE NO. THEN GO HAVE A BEER."
(C) 1992 by Matthew (Mateo) Burtch and his wonder dog, Lump. Please
keep this blurb attached when forwarding. If you don't, I will
personally come over to your house and leave horrible stains on the
grout in your bathroom.
State Proposition 385 "Right-to-Flinch"
Proposition 385 mandates the following changes:
o the state's Office of Fiscal Impropriety becomes a
late-night diner where legislators can get a quick
bite to eat between pay raises
o takes away the right to vote in state elections from
convicted felons, poor people, and Axl Rose
o initiates a 5.3% tax on unused household food.
(Rises to 6.2% for soggy vegetables left in the 'crisper'
bin of the refrigerator)
o declares Spam to be the State Synthetic Meat By-Product
o allows slow drivers caught in the fast lane a 20-second
head start before the cops open fire
From the arguments in FAVOR of Proposition 385:
"George Washington said it best: 'A nation not governed by
temperance and goodwill will eventually get hacked to death by
roving bands of sabre-wielding hyenas'. Let's not let this
happen to California.
"By voting YES, you're taking a stand for clean government and
good posture and diction. Your vote will mean safe drinking
water and free Pez for millions of schoolchildren named 'Ted'.
Make your voice heard. Vote YES, and scream while doing it."
From the arguments OPPOSED to Proposition 385:
"Who the hell are these bozos kidding? First they sleep
around, then they dent the car next to them in the parking lot
by swinging their doors open too far, and then they track mud
all over the living room carpet! And to top it off, they make
disgusting noises while eating! With their elbows on the
"Is it any wonder that Californians are sick of the charade?
It's time for CHANGE, not changelings. Choose chewable chunks
of chagrined chastity over chafing cheapskates! Vote NO!"
(C) 1992 by Matthew (Mateo) Burtch. All rights reserved, including
that of leaving my socks on top of my car hood. Please don't remove
this blurb from this mail when forwarding. If you do, well....I....
might have to take you to a New England Patriots game. So don't.
© 1992 Peter Langston